I wanted to write a couple of reflections… I think it’s good to look back and see where you went, the lessons you learned and the things you accomplished or journeyed through. It helps to put things into perspective… and to see how much one year can hold!
On February 9th 2019, I decided to try sobriety on. When I made this decision, I wasn’t exactly sure why; however as the months have passed by, it has become more and more obvious why this was a journey I needed to take.
Originally, it began with a small thought that alcohol was poison to my cells. This thought began to grow larger and larger until finally it consumed me… it did not make sense for me to continue to drink anymore. What a perfect example of ideas into manifestation! Haha
This is what initiated my sober journey. And, as time went on, I realized there was much deeper work to uncover.
Drinking is manufactured and sold: for your social life, for your romantic life, for all the special moments in between. Alcohol, by nature, is designed to create a loose and easy experience for everyone who plays.
When I stopped drinking, my whole life changed. The people who I hung out with, the men who I dated, the events that I attended. The way I showed up in life was transformed.
My sobriety demanded that I show up in my fullest, most vulnerable and real self. There was no substance to make my discomfort go away or to make me more loud or excited or “fun.” There was nothing to hide behind, just me… Standing almost nakedly, my introverted being for the world to see.
Sometimes I would go to the bar on my own to see DJ’s play, and without the task of holding a drink, I would wonder what the heck to do with my hands! Fumbling awkwardly, attempting to feel more comfortable in my own skin. As though drinking gave me a purpose or a reason to be there. It was a strange thing! It was like that drink was my safety, my friend. Something to pour my attention into so that I didn’t have to face anything else. I had to learn to stand by myself.
It has been quite entertaining to see and feel the discomfort of others, too. The sense that they are more uncomfortable than I am, if I am not drinking with them. The projections are real!
There has been a feeling: like the need to justify my presence and prove my ability to have fun without a drink. Fascinating.
So, I have been learning how to show up in my bare skin, in my realness, even when it’s uncomfortable… and to navigate the feelings of: I am enough, even without getting drunk. It has been a deep journey into the fullness of myself.
And I learned so much, especially about intimacy. And the real reasons that I was reaching for that drink in the first place.
Intimacy + Vulnerability
I had no idea that I had so many walls up. Inner child wounds and past relationship wounds of rejection and hurt were keeping my energetic boundaries on guard. Alcohol was the perfect thing to dismantle these guards, to dull and dim my persons’ defence. I am so sensitive and acutely aware; I read and feel energy in the most subtle and alert ways. I used to use alcohol, a glass of wine or whatever, to numb and open, to lower my boundaries and allow people in. Since I have been sober, I have had to honor myself a little more. I have had to move a little slower, not letting everyone in… protecting my heart and my body in more aware ways. I have had to listen to what my energy is speaking and sensing, instead of drowning it out with liquor.
My romantic relationships in the past typically always began over wine, intoxicated nights, and loosened inhibitions. Sobriety has taught me to pay closer attention to what my energy is saying. It has taught me to find healthier, more clear, and more transparent people and activities in which to cultivate sustainable and authentic relationships.
It has taught me to say goodbye to those who feel they need more than I am, in the way of needing someone to “let loose” with. It has taught me to stand in myself, this same damn story: I am enough.
Through introspection and practices like breathwork, I learned that many stories I was holding onto were not always true or valuable. For example: I am introverted and solitary, these are identities that I have stood behind for a long time. While I am excellent at being alone, I think there’s a deeper truth behind these identities: they protect me from stepping into places where I might not be safely held, in places where there is the potential to get hurt or rejected. So, I continue to look at stories and identities with openness and curiosity, to challenge whether the story supports my success or to see if it is even true. What I am learning is that our body and our mind are so amazing at protecting us… So amazing that sometimes they go overboard and the thing they are protecting us from isn’t real anymore: and actually begins to harm us or impact us in ways that are not serving or positive. This work of looking inside and challenging the stories we build our lives upon, has been some of my biggest, most inspired, and difficult work yet. New stories, new habits, new ways: create the life you are playing.
I met Mama Aya a couple of times this year: she blew me open and showed me… Many things. While I need to take more time to reflect on all of her lessons and write them out… I have learned two important things from her journeys that come to mind right now. The first is: I don’t have to be strong all the time, and it’s okay to ask for help. And the second is: intention is our magic tool, and if we utilized it: intention + attention = creation… We would understand how infinitely powerful we are to create our dreams, literally anything we want. This is why it’s so important to have a clear, focused, and bright mind. This is another reason why sobriety has been so important for me.
It has been a big year of relationships. Learning which ones are worth keeping close and which ones are worth letting go. It has taught me so much about establishing and honoring boundaries, even when it doesn’t make sense or feel comfortable for others. It has been watching projections and reflections. It has been seeing other’s wounds because I know my own. It has been intense and hard and liberating all at the same time.
I embarked on the journey into my breath… Exploring how the breath takes me deeper into myself. Who knew, the breath was my greatest teacher of all and I always had all the answers within. This has been a potent year of learning and healing… Of compassion and understanding. Of learning self love, humility, vulnerability, and of course: I am enough.
I am learning to ground further into validating myself, and hoping to inspire others to step into their power as well. This is courageous work, and it means really standing up for yourself and knowing your truth and owning it with conviction. It sometimes means ending relationships and it sometimes means going against the grain or the status quo… and I think, it has been the most important work I have stepped into… You become the authority by owning it… By taking your own control. As soon as you are waiting for the approval of “other,” you have lost a power in yourself. So, this is a call for all: take your power back and rise according to your own rules.
When I began my first round of college right out of highschool, I met my first important teacher. Her name was Laura Steinert. When I first met her, I resisted her, showing up with attitude and not wanting to adhere to her very particular ways. However, once I realized that as soon as I showed up for her, she showed up for me: I gained one of the most valuable teachers of my life. In this experience, I realized, true teachers are there for you when you show up and care.
I know… that I need a teacher who shows up for me and who cares about me. I am learning this more and more. And, because I know that I need this: I am vowing to be this for others. A teacher with integrity… I want to show up in real and meaningful ways for anyone who chooses to be in my circle. I need this in my teachers, and I know it’s important for me to offer to my students. It matters that we care.
I birthed my first business, outside of myself: an online movement and wellness community called Daily Ritual. It has been a roller coaster, full of Saturn’s obstacles and twists and turns. And, I have never been more sure: I was born for this. I am so excited to embark on this entrepreneurial adventure, to inspire my beautiful teachers to rise with me, so that we may help as many people come back home to themselves as possible. I feel so blessed. I have created a collective of the most potent, amazing leaders… I know that we are going to rise to epic places because our hearts are in the right place. We practice what we preach and there is no stopping the momentum of hearts shining this bright.
Grounding deeper into myself
I feel so grounded. I know I am moving in the right direction. I am moving in the best ways that I can, holding the right people in my circle, and trying to carry with me truth and light. I am rooted and rising.
A few things: I am eternally grateful for my family and especially the little ones who show me such light, love, and remind me to be better every day. I feel really grateful to be born in the spring, when even if times are challenging- the season teaches us new beginnings, hope, and life will always shine in that beautiful way that cycles show we can trust. I cherish the opportunity to have my bare feet on the ground, to ground into my tree family: two hands hugging their trunks, and to breathe the fresh air of ocean and forest: I am so blessed to call this place home. I also feel so thankful that I have the opportunity to leave and travel- to explore and grow… to meet new people and play with new souls… And then, I get to come back to the greatest place on the planet. I am blessed.
Thankful to my teachers: the moon, the sun, the planets, mama earth, the animals, and the elements. Thankful to my human teachers who show up in most of my relationships, whether uplifting or challenging. You have come into my path for a reason, and I honor the opportunity to learn to be better through you.
This year, I hope to read more of the books that I bought last year… One at a time and finish them!! I plan to dive deeper into new movement methodologies, to learn more of the philosophy of Tantra and Ayurveda and Women’s Wisdom. I am going to move my business forward in a very strong and powerful way: we are going to the moon, it’s time to rise high. And, I had an idea that I needed to get to the Amazon to study with the healers of those jungles. We will see what this year holds. But, I know- a year can hold so much- and I know this one will be full- it already has been.
Thank you for being here and walking this path with me- I am grateful for you, too.
37: let’s do this.